Subject: [FRICTION] Paradise Lost, Part XXXI Date: Tue, 01 Apr 2003 23:39:39 GMT From: "Chuck" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars Paradise Lost, Part XXXI Sebastian had waited for this moment for longer than he could remember. Jorri, lying seductively, wantingly. How many late nights did he spend with this image in mind, how many lonely days during his exile with nothing to do put practice working his lightsaber? He'd wanted this for forever. The moment, alas, was all too fleeting. "No!" he screamed in horror as a vaporator fell through the roof and crushed his beloved. He rushed to her side, hoping that maybe she could last another ten minutes... well, five maybe, if he pushed it. "I'm sorry, Sebastian," she said, "but it's better this way." Then she died. Sebastian was grief-stricken. He knew the body was still warm, but he doubted he'd have enough traction with all the blood around. Instead he pulled his clothes on and walked out into the cool air of Tatooine. The shock had passed, followed by grief, anxiety, and then eventually hunger (it had been a long day). He needed to get a grip on things. Now that Jorri was dead he needed to think of something, anything. He was desperate. Then it hit him: start a new paragraph for dramatic tension. Content with the change, he went to see what Jaina was doing. Meanwhile the Vong and Imperials stared across empty space at each other, waiting for the plot to get back to the war. They were in for a long wait. "Hi Jaina," Sebastian said, noting how hot his cousin looked. "What've you got there?" "I've finally captured Garak!" she said bouncing with joy to Sebastian's satisfaction. "Nobody's done it 'til now, but I have!" "Actually they caught him back in Shadows of the Night," Sebastian remarked. "Then they let him go to further a random plot thread." "Well now I've got him! And you're going to confess to what you did to Luke," she said, shaking the Cardassian. "Are you kidding? I'm an experienced Cardassian operative, trained to resist all manners of interrogation oh what the hell. I'm too old to care now anyway. Luke Skywalker was assassinated by a Sith operative in my employ." "A Sith?" they said together. "Yes, a Sith. His name is Ben, because it makes it easier to confuse him with Ben Sisko and Obi-Wan Kenobi when you call him 'Ben.'" "Who is he?" Sebastian asked, keeping one eye on Jaina's behind. "He's your evil counterpart from another dimension." "Damn, I should've known!" "Should we go after this Ben?" Jaina asked. "No," Sebastian said. "First we need to have an extended bit of dialogue to justify why we're going to do it." "But what you don't realize," Garak said, "is that Ben was brought here by Captain Janeway." "He was?" "Oh yes. She's the one truly responsible for your father's death. If she hadn't done that, he'd still be alive." "But if Ben killed him, and you told him to, aren't you more culpible for his death?" "No." "Oh, got me there," Jaina said. "And so anyway," Admiral Wallis said to the Vong Proletare H'Chen across the front line, "that's what really interested me in stamp collecting." "Fascinating." "Ah, young Skywalker," Captain Janeway said not turning around to make her look more mysterious. "I see you've finally arrived." "Yes," Sebastian said through his teeth. It was a long and difficult route that occurred between narrations, but he'd managed to pull it off. "And now I'm bringing you in." "If you only knew...." Janeway said with a shake of her head, turning slowly to look at him. "Garak never told you what happened to your father." "He told me enough!" Sebastian said with rage. "He told me you killed him!" "No, *I* am your father." Sebastian backed away slowly. "No... that's not true... that's impossible!" "Search your feelings," she said as she unzipped her pants, "you know it to be true." Sebastian's eyes widened at what he saw. "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" "Sebastian, you-" "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" "Would you listen-" "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" *Zip* "OOooo..... oooo... oo..." "That's better. Now-" Then Janeway exploded. "Oh God!" Sebastian cried, "my father's dead... again!" "That's right," said Q, who materialized out of nowhere. "What do you want?" Sebastian demanded. "I'm here to test humanity... haven't done that in at least five minutes." "Well I will not submit to your tests." "Oh yes you will," Q said, "and do you know why?" "Er, no?" "Because..." and he pulled his mask off, "...I am really your father!" "NOOOO- wait, what?" Luke dropped the mask to the floor. "I didn't die, I evolved into a higher lifeform. Now I am Q, and always was Q." Sebastian opened his mouth, then closed it. "That doesn't make any sense." "No, but it's a hell of a plot twist! GSDA in the bag, *cha-ching*!" "And a little bit of oregano," said Proletare H'Chen, "because a little goes a long way. Hey, what's that?" Before anyone could say anything the entire fleet was wiped out in one blast by the Fanfic Star. "Roger, Arr, this is Riprock," said Riprock. "Targets destroyed. We are clear to deploy Arr Chronicles in this sector." "Perfect," said Captain Random, "that parody was getting old. Now, set course for Portal, maximum, er, whatever." [Next time: "Watch your step naughty Vong! You face two fisted blue justice from, The Tick!"] [April Fools]