Subject: Rambling Remarks About Christmas Date: Sat, 07 Dec 2002 02:43:20 GMT From: "Chuck, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix 01" Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars I'm out of the loop. When I was in teaching this never would have happened. The beginning of the holiday season was as clearly drawn as the line named after Mason and Dixon (I'm, of course, referring to the line that forms at the local Wal-Mart when everybody gets the bright idea to do all their shopping the day after Thanksgiving to "beat the rush." The line is named after the two gentlemen who attempted to rob the store and were beaten to death by irate customers armed with oversized candy canes, who then threatened to do the same to the clerks if they didn't "get the fucking line moving already!"). Christmas started the Monday after Thanksgiving, because that's when the prep work for the Christmas program began. Every year you have to do a Christmas program on the off chance that someone forgets for five seconds the main points of the holiday: 1) Jesus birth 2) Santa Claus 3) Reindeer who are different should be shunned unless they serve a useful purpose 4) Red and blue lights on a tree are good, red and blue lights on a squadcar are bad 5) Carpet sale I suddenly became aware of the holiday season's arrival when my local rock stations began slipping in Christmas tunes into the playlist (like Sir Mix-a-Lot belting out We Three Kings). They have this whole pile of songs that rockers did more than likely because they were stoned and can only play this time of year. In that sense it's remarkably similar to real life singing at the holiday, and of course, I mean caroling. I've gone caroling, and by gone I of course mean "dragged kicking and screaming." Who's bright idea is it to go outside on the coldest damn day of the year at night and try to sing tunes outside your normal singing range at the best of times? And in harmony? I have yet to hear any carol group sound like the carolers in the films, with their perfect pitch and harmony and inclusion of supporting bass and tenor voices, possibly even a few brass instruments. Instead they start taking sips of brandy to stay warm that turn into huge gu lps and next thing you know, you're being seranaded by the Twilight Zone. I even saw someone trying to sing "So This Is Christmas." Of course, he didn't know the lyrics (nobody knows the lyrics, really), so he just kind of grasped for rhyming words and repeated the refrain. So this is Christmas And what have you done? The Force will be with you. Set your phasers on stun. So this is Christmas For black and for white If you look at my asshole You'll find that it's tight. With the emphasis on joy so much in all the Christmas songs I almost wonder if Proctor & Gamble is using it to sell their dishwashing liquid. I have no actual proof of this, but here is a compelling bit of evidence that they are expanding their Christmas product line: Have a holly jolly Christmas It's the best time of the year I don't know if there'll be snow So have a cup of Cheer(TM) I can go on about the obvious things everyone does about Christmas, like the fact that the stores seem to want Christmas to start the day after Halloween (or the real numbnuts that want to start it in July), the excessive repeats of A Christmas Carol, It's A Wonderful Life, and so on (although the original Grinch and the Charlie Brown Christmas are a necessary part of any holiday), and the hassel. But why repeat what everyone else is saying when I can continue rambling in a different direction, which I will. For me, the most difficult thing is the looks I get from family and friends who for some reason decide to shop for me months in advance. I know this because I see the looks on their faces when I walk into a store and pick something out. Me: Oo, Return of the Living Dead on DVD! And it's only twelve bucks! Them: No no no! You don't want to buy that. That movie sucks. Me: You said you thought it was great. Them: I was lying. No, put it back! No! And then, of course, they tackle me to the ground and try to wrestle it away. If they're smart they've usually done this in a Best Buy to ensure that none of the sales staff will give a damn, as they are incapable of seeing a customer unless they're trying to walk out of the store. By the way, Best Buys are particularly great to visit the day after Christmas, since the incompetent sales staff is going head to head with everyone within two hundred miles who wants to return their present (in most cases, a copy of Glitter on DVD). Watching a Best Buy the day after Christmas is like visiting the aftermath of an epic natural disaster as families try to huddle in long, wandering lines, groping for each others' hands as the milling mobs push them about. I wonder if trying to return a copy of Raiders of the Lost Arc on Betamax was what inspired Spielberg when he made Empire of the Sun. As the holiday approaches I'm sure there'll be me to ramble about, but for the moment I leave you with the liquor-fueled Christmas classic. God rest ye merry gentlemen You're sure to get a smile. >From seven stranded castaways Here on Gilligan's Isle. The first mate and the skipper too Will do their very best With their tidings of comfort and joy Comfort and joy 'Cause she's buying a stairway to hea-ea-ven. -- Chuck "Try to explain to people that writing is something you do because it's impossible not to, and you get blank stares." - Peter David