From: Chuck (sonn@sfdebris.com)
Subject: [HUMOR] Dealing with the Government 
Newsgroups: alt.startrek.vs.starwars
Date: 2001-06-16 21:36:37 PST 


So I get the idea in my head to start my own business, but how exactly 
do you go about doing that?  I wasn't sure, to be honest.  I do know 
from previous experience I should avoid trying to get involved with 
them any more than is necessary.  I had to fill out a wide variey of 
forms when my kids were born.  Just think about that, "Well, I'm sorry 
Mr. Jones, but since you didn't fill out the paperwork I'm afraid you 
can't take this baby home."  I remember while I was filling them out 
they just kept passing me paper after paper to fill out and sign.  I 
was having a conversation with one of the nurses at the time about how 
I had no idea how I could possible keep track of who was Max and who 
was Luke.  Right then someone dropped a paper in front of me and said, 
"Do you want them both circumcised?"  There was a long, awkward pause.  
"Yes......" I said finally, "yes, I suppose we'll circumcize both."  It 
did seem like a good idea for a while.... "You!  Who are you?  Drop 
those pants so I can see!"
But I'm getting off the subject.  Step One is to actually establish the
business, which means filling out an Affadavit of Trade Name with the 
County Clerk.  No, it's the City Clerk.  No wait, you must mean the 
Register of Deeds.  Okay fine, go there, go downstairs into the 
basement to the Register of Deeds, now give me the form.  "That will be 
25 cents."  Okay.  Fill it out.  "Now you need it signed by the Notary 
Public.  Their office is upstairs."  Go upstairs, the person watches me 
sign the paper and then puts little stamps all over it.  "That will be 
50 cents."  Okay.  Now back downstairs to turn it in.  "That'll be ten 
dollars."  Okay.  Now, let's wrap this up so far: three times up and 
down the stairs, $10.75 paid out, and one form.  What does this give 
me?  The right to trade using the name "Sci-Fi Debris."  That's it.  
Now the county is happy.
Step Two is to deal with the state.  In order to do that you need to 
fill out a Application For Seller's Permit.  You can get these off the 
internet and print them up yourself, saving you the 25 cents.  Most of 
it's just straightforward, then it gets into weird areas.  "How much 
will you make per month?"  How the hell should I know?  Should I put 
down "Hopefully alot, but the market may be soft?"  So I finally crunch 
some numbers based on my sales goals and write down a figure.  Now it 
gets really hard: "How much should you collect in sales tax per month?"  
The thing is, in the United States, you charge sales tax only to the 
people who live in the same state as you when you sell over the 
internet.  In other words, Joe who lives in Wisconsin has to pay sales 
tax on something I sell him, but Aron who lives in Indiana doesn't.  
You see the problem?  I've got to figure out how much I will sell over 
the internet to people in Wisconsin.  How can you possibly know that? 
Frustrated, I call up the Wisconsin Department of Commerce and work my 
way through the automated system until I get to the Revenue department.  
"Please hold for the next available operator."  Then they start playing 
music by that black guy who sang Somewhere Out There with Linda 
Ronstadt. 
"Whoa-oh-oh-everybody plays the fooool - sometimes....there's no 
exception to the ruuuule..."  Minutes pass and then a ring and a 
woman's voice.  "Can I help you?"
"Yes."  I explain my problem.
"Oh, that sounds like a problem for the revenue department.  Let me 
transfer you."  Click, dial tone, stop and stare at the phone.  Dial up 
again and go through the automated messages.  "I wanna say it again... 
everybody plays the fooool.  Oo-oo-oo-ooooooo....."   A different woman 
this time, same thing happens AGAIN, and I stare at the phone.  A while 
later I go back and try again.  "You're sittin' around mooopin' mopin'.  
But soon you'll discover that, everybody plays the foooool..."
This time a man picks up the phone.  I explain to him that I don't know 
what to put down for my monthly sales taxes.  He says "That's why we 
say 'estimate.'"
"Yes, but I have absolutely no idea what to estimate."
"Just estimate."
"I can't reasonably come up with any figure that can be anywhere near 
the right answer."
"That doesn't matter.  Just right something down."
"Wait, you mean by 'estimate' 'write down some bogus number?'"
"Yes."
"It doesn't matter if it's completely off?"
"Nope.  Just write a number in there."
I throw a number down and mail the paper in for quick government 
processing.
That was May 31st.  Still waiting on that.
Okay, state, county, now Step 3: City.  Yes, the city has very clear 
rules about where you can and can't run a business.  So I call around 
until I get ahold of the city planners and ask them if I can run an 
internet company from my house?  Yes, but you need to speak with this 
other department about getting a home occupation permit.  You see, you 
can't just work at home, you've got to get permission to do it.  I'm 
not sure what happens if you don't, but I imagine it's like Donnie 
Brascoe when the cops come in and start hitting tables with 
sledgehammers and smashing all the glasses.  I'm not sure what they'd 
do 'cause I mostly have Brett Favre plastic cups from Burger King in my 
cupboards; maybe they'd try to stomp on them.  Anyway, this is $50.00 
to fill out, and this is the last step in the process.  I'm taking care 
of this on Monday, although I admit that, after my experience so far, 
I'm not very optimistic.  Just to be safe, I'm hiding my cut glass
Batman Forever mugs from McDonald's in the attic.